Challenging my core being

I work in  a private company. I got my appraisal results today and i scored the lowest in the communication skills section. Henceforth this blog will be an attempt to record my errors and travails in becoming a better speaker, an extrovert, a more sociable person, both at work and outside, among other things.

Ever since  i remember, i have been a quiet person. A shy reserved child growing up into a shy reserved woman. Living and experiencing life as an introvert. I was probably the quietest person in class. Among my friends, no i don’t speak when in a group. Maybe at times I do but very few times. No i don’t make any significant contribution in a group of people. I probably only talk willingly to my parents, my siblings and a couple of friends.Maybe three friends. I feel i can think best when alone. I can work better when people are not around. And i do not really think i need people at any time.I am not fond of small talk. All my small talk attempts are forced and possibly come across as that. In a professional organisation, where communication is the key to success, i need to change myself in order to survive. I can’t decide whether its social anxiety i suffer from or i am just an introvert. At times i consider myself a misanthropist. And no i cannot pretend to be something i am not. To be friendly when i least feel so. To be the life of a party when i had rather not be there.

When i feel interested in a conversation, i listen hard. I think i am a good listener, when i wish to listen that is. Yes i have opinions. Yes i do think. But no i do not express myself. Sometimes out of sheer laziness, sometimes because expressing takes a significant amount of energy for my which i might not have been able to collect or mostly because, umm shall i call it scared?

Yes probably because i am scared to. No in the decisions impacting my life i don’t really care for people’s opinions. Never did. But probably at some level i never wanted to hear opinions and hence never welcomed any conversations about such controversial or confrontational issues. Probably due to this i missed out on a lot of very significant life experiences. Somehow i managed mostly to avoid confrontations all my life, in my 26 years. 

This blog i started as an attempt to express myself through the written word. I need to express myself, work on both my oral and written communication skills. And i am hoping to make concentrated efforts in that direction.. From being an introvert to an extrovert.


Thought 1..

The past year, i moved houses twice. And with new flatmates each time. I got to live with two different sets of people, the first house being a paying guest facility, with the landlady and 3 other girls in the house. These girls were all freshers starting a new job in Mumbai. Currently, i stay with a couple of girls who have been in the city for more than two years now, working in reputed companies.

Living with a variety of people lets you hear different views. Hear different life stories. These girls are all from different states and have had a variety of upbringings. But one view runs common- A job is a privilege given by their respective families to these girls. Along with the right to live in a different city on their own. Along with the privilege of an education. But it is only a means to an end. Marriage. An end leading to a new beginning. The money earned on the job is being saved today,  to pay for wedding expenses. No the money being earned is not being used to lead a better life. To improve the standard of living. Life pretty much revolves around fasting once or twice a week,  cooking and learning to cook better, getting up early, making breakfast and lunch and coming back home and making dinner(shaadi ke baad toh yeh sab karna hi padega, aadat abhi se rahegi to achcha hai – will anyhow have to cook for the whole family after marriage, might just as well get used to it now) and work (only for the paycheck),a life of routine. Freedom does not mean using it. Freedom is a privilege. Hence it should be respected and treated with care. Those who do become reckless (drink/smoke or get into multiple relationships or even a live-in relationship) are gossiped about, and are treated with contempt. ‘The freedom has gone to their heads’ or ‘Misusing all the privilege they have in life’

Why is working treated like a privilege in the first place? They worked hard in school, in college and got a job. They are here, living off themselves. The chains that bind them are so strong that they fail to realize that if they want, their lives could be their own. But then that would make them ‘spoilt, bad’ girls and hence they cant have that.

Why doesnt education change this thinking? Internet provides avenues and scope for awareness. But i don’t know how to change this thinking since nothing seems to be working. Education or financial independence or awareness.